Friends vs. the Boyfriend
I started to write Maria tonight. I wrote about the summer, camp and then him. I got through all of the good times and how hard I fell, moved onto my first semester of college- but had to stop because I started writing about Christmas Break. Everything rushed back to me. I think it hurts more now than it did then. How does that happen? And to think, I talk so big everytime I hear about some scandalous guy cheating: “She should just dump his ass and be done! Why would she even consider taking him back?” yet, here I sit, pining after a prime example of a sleazeball. He didn’t even have the balls to admit his infidelity to me and in doing so broke the only promise he’d ever made me.
Tonight my roommate posed the hypothetical situation: If you had a negative opinion about a good friend’s relationship should you tell them? I decided that it depended on your relationship with the person and whether or not the relationship they were involved in was unhealthy for them and hurting them. She proceeded to tell me that she thought my boyfriend was rude and she was worried that his personality would rub off on me.
You know, I don’t really care that he is rude to my friends. I feel like maybe that ought to matter but truly, I don’t care how my boyfriend gets along with my friends. After years of being screwed over by both parties and often somehow relating to one another – I have decided that mixing my boyfriend with my friends is something that just never works out for me. After my best friend in eighth grade convinced me to break up with probably the only decent guy I’ve ever been with, and I had another ex leave me for one of my friends, etc. etc. After a few similar scenarios, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe mixing my relationships with my circle of friends isn’t a good idea.
Now this isn’t as cut and dried of a rule as I make it sound; I have to date guys that I’m friends with. How am I supposed to be friends with guys without hanging out with them in a group of friends ever? Well, I have thought about it and to be more exact : I don’t care if my girlfriends get along with my boyfriend. In fact, I want to keep them away from my boyfriends, so really it is convenient for me that my 2 closest friends think he’s rude. I don’t have to worry about co-mingling and the drama that is sure to ensue because of it. Well, perhaps convenient is a bit of a stretch – I’m sure that him ever coming over to the apartment is going to be awkward, especially since I’m sharing a room with one of them, but I just assume I’ll sleep at his place when we do stay the night together.
One of my roommate’s points was that I might should worry about how he treats other people, but she mooted that point when she pointed out that he is only nice to the people he cares about. Not that I myself have that attitude, I am a bleeding heart and care about anything that has a heartbeat -a trait which often is abused by the people in my life- so I can’t exactly blame him for it. But I am someone he cares about and to this point in our relationship I don’t have a single complaint for the way he has treated me. We have never fought about anything, he is always open to my feelings and concerns, we’re able to have intelligentconversations, he puts up with me being irrational, he understands my humor and I his. I guess I’m a little grateful that my roommate is a mostly selfish person, she pointed out that he is indifferent only to people that don’t matter to him (thinking of herself). Her example was that she would like a “hey how’s it going?” everytime she sees him, but somehow it doesn’t bother me that for once when a guy walks into a room he’s all eyes and ears for me. In fact I think I’m a little flattered.
I suppose that this sentiment may change when I am looking for a more serious relationship. For example as far as my husband goes, I will look for that trait in my relationship. But for now, when I am content with who I am with and the level we function on, I don’t need my friends and my boyfriend to get along.
Taking Precautions
So sometimes I get a little nostalgic, sometimes I can’t help but let my mind drift back to old relationships. There is a folder in My Pictures labeled Ferdy that it has all of the pictures he sent me, the 1 picture of us together, and also all of the pictures his new girlfriend took of him (wow, don’t I feel like a creepster now.. they were posted on his facebook when we stopped talking for a while – though I think the explanation made me sound even creepier. Crap.)
As you can imagine it’s quite a bittersweet trip down Memory Lane – however, apparently I know myself well enough to provide roadblocks:
‘It was the very last picture in the folder and was titled : What would have eventually happened.
Just in case.
What do you know, I already have a WordPress -
And here I thought Boot’s was snazzy for discovering something new.
I am longing for something again. It stems from the dissatisfaction with just about everything. I can’t explain why this happens to me. I manage to get through a few months just peachy keen, but somehow that steadily growing sense of discontent with my life, its direction, and just about everything – it tends to creep in. This is about the time I demand a sabbatical. It doesn’t matter that every possible part of my life is beginning to settle, that things are finally going well for me – or maybe that is it. Maybe Sean was right, maybe I enjoy things being difficult so much that I make them that way. I have to create a problem when there isn’t one because I am unhappy without something to solve. . . and I considered it for a second but it still sounds like the same old b.s. as when he said it. I miss my 16 year old self. I miss the girl I was then. I feel like now, not only am I not a person I admire, I am not progressing in any worthy way. I don’t know that it is that I am unhappy with the direction my life is taking – maybe it’s just that I don’t feel its enough. Like everything could be better and I know it: school, relationship, friendships, work. I feel like I am half-assing everything and I hate it. I want to be my own person. I just want nothing to do with anyone else. I resent having to rely on someone for anything. Wow, I just hit the root of so much. That would explain why I don’t like that I am getting close to anyone. That is why I don’t want to be around people, that is why I’ve been steering clear and avoiding contact.
Is it terrible of me that despite the fact that I know this is probably his fault, I still miss him? The thing is, feel like my life is not enough. And I can’t fool myself, part of it is that I felt it was when I was with him, but mostly he set my bar high and I don’t want to settle but don’t want to work at achieving something higher. I don’t feel I should have to. I think I’ve been jerking my own chain. I can’t honestly believe that a) he’d want me back or b) it would be anything remotely like it was. But— perhaps this is because vegas found a guy who is so perfect for her in everyway, and I am jealous. Because I had that and lost it, by no fault of my own. (I have to hold to that belief or I will never forgive myself.) And not all of this ties to him, I won’t allow him that amount of flattery. No, in fact very little of it is credited to that direction.
I miss myself. I miss the girl I was 3 years ago. I miss the value system I lived my life by, the attitude I held towards the world, and the outlook I held. I was just generally a better person then. I think I need to adopt some of the mindset I held then. I want to be more self-sacrificing. I finally took everyone’s advice and grew a backbone, and I’m miserable. I hate the person I’ve become. I feel selfish and angry with myself all the time. If I get shit on and people take advantage of me – fine. At least I will be able to live with myself. It’ll be as my mom calls it, my little steps to heaven, she and I get there by mountains and mountains of forgiveness. I would much rather be self-sacrificing than selfish.
I am irritable tonight, with no legit reason, and that in itself makes me irritable. I am also anti-social. I really want very little to do with anyone else. Just walking the track, capturing the outdoor smell mingling with smoke in my hair and feeling cold wash over my face as the wind batters me, is enough.
