Ceruleansoul’s Weblog

And here I thought Boot’s was snazzy for discovering something new.

I am longing for something again. It stems from the dissatisfaction with just about everything. I can’t explain why this happens to me. I manage to get through a few months just peachy keen, but somehow that steadily growing sense of discontent with my life, its direction, and just about everything - it tends to creep in. This is about the time I demand a sabbatical. It doesn’t matter that every possible part of my life is beginning to settle, that things are finally going well for me - or maybe that is it. Maybe Sean was right, maybe I enjoy things being difficult so much that I make them that way. I have to create a problem when there isn’t one because I am unhappy without something to solve. . . and I considered it for a second but it still sounds like the same old b.s. as when he said it. I miss my 16 year old self. I miss the girl I was then. I feel like now, not only am I not a person I admire, I am not progressing in any worthy way. I don’t know that it is that I am unhappy with the direction my life is taking - maybe it’s just that I don’t feel its enough. Like everything could be better and I know it: school, relationship, friendships, work. I feel like I am half-assing everything and I hate it. I want to be my own person. I just want nothing to do with anyone else. I resent having to rely on someone for anything. Wow, I just hit the root of so much. That would explain why I don’t like that I am getting close to anyone. That is why I don’t want to be around people, that is why I’ve been steering clear and avoiding contact.
Is it terrible of me that despite the fact that I know this is probably his fault, I still miss him? The thing is, feel like my life is not enough. And I can’t fool myself, part of it is that I felt it was when I was with him, but mostly he set my bar high and I don’t want to settle but don’t want to work at achieving something higher. I don’t feel I should have to. I think I’ve been jerking my own chain. I can’t honestly believe that a) he’d want me back or b) it would be anything remotely like it was. But— perhaps this is because vegas found a guy who is so perfect for her in everyway, and I am jealous. Because I had that and lost it, by no fault of my own. (I have to hold to that belief or I will never forgive myself.) And not all of this ties to him, I won’t allow him that amount of flattery. No, in fact very little of it is credited to that direction.
I miss myself. I miss the girl I was 3 years ago. I miss the value system I lived my life by, the attitude I held towards the world, and the outlook I held. I was just generally a better person then. I think I need to adopt some of the mindset I held then. I want to be more self-sacrificing. I finally took everyone’s advice and grew a backbone, and I’m miserable. I hate the person I’ve become. I feel selfish and angry with myself all the time. If I get shit on and people take advantage of me - fine. At least I will be able to live with myself. It’ll be as my mom calls it, my little steps to heaven, she and I get there by mountains and mountains of forgiveness. I would much rather be self-sacrificing than selfish.

I am irritable tonight, with no legit reason, and that in itself makes me irritable. I am also anti-social. I really want very little to do with anyone else. Just walking the track, capturing the outdoor smell mingling with smoke in my hair and feeling cold wash over my face as the wind batters me, is enough.