Sorry I come with Strings
It just occurred to me how terrified I am to leave for the summer.
The realization did not spawn from some jealous moment or instant of obvious insecurity, but instead because of how preciously I was treating each moment I spend with him before that time comes. I don’t remember ever feeling this tender toward someone. It’s just that there is nothing wrong thus far – and that in itself, being aware of me and my history of relationships – seems wrong. But it’s not. It’s wonderful. And he’s pretty wonderful. I’m just so happy spending time with him. The last few days that we’ve been at his parent’s house to watch his younger brother have just been amazing. Not in the sense that anything spectacular happened, in fact, mostly because nothing spectacular happened. We watched went out to dinner, did laundry, watched a movie, made pizza, cleaned up the house a bit, mowed the lawn, lounged- all normal weekend activities. It just seemed so normal, like we did it every day. And it was so nice being able to be around him whenever I wanted. I love how casual we are with each other. Something changed this weekend, deepened. We are no longer a new couple, I can feel it. We crossed some imaginary line that advanced us into a new comfort zone.
He just walked up to me, kissed me and when I paused for explanation, he said, “That’s it.” and walked away. It’s official, I’m pretty crazy about him.
But knowing that, and knowing that I am leaving for the summer has made me treat each moment that I am with him as if it is something beautiful and fragile. I suppose this is not a bad thing, but for what it means to me. You see, I often take things for granted and if I am not it is for a reason. I am making this time worth it because I worry it will be all we have. It’s not his fault I was cheated on last summer and therefore wary of long-distance relationships ( although truth be told I had very good reasons to be wary before but wasn’t wise enough to ) And so I feel terrible knowing the in my subconscious I have trouble trusting men. I suppose all I can do is be grateful that I am happy and able to appreciate it (no matter what the reason behind it is)
