July 29th
and now I am at a lost for words. when just a few moments ago I couldn’t keep them from flooding my brain, one after another, until I felt overwhelmed and eventually weary – to the point that I’d just let them compile and eventually drown beneath them. I can’t think straight and have no idea what has been wrong with my moods lately. This isn’t supposed to be happening – - this is the reason I religiously take my medication.But the mood swings are back.
I feel worthless most of the time and don’t know why. I don’t know if it is because my life seems so disorganized right now and the sense of chaos sends me near panic, or if I am mentally ill. FS tells me that I need to appreciate myself more, and that I shouldn’t be this shy because other people should get a chance see the wonderful things he sees in me. But there’s the thing; I don’t see anything wonderful. I feel like I used to love myself, that i used to have a sense of being, know who I was and what I wanted out of life. I found myself wondering if I should give up teaching, go to Kansas for a journalism degree (after I’ve spent all of this money). These are things I never would have considered. I feel I don’t know myself at all anymore. I’ve written at least 5 journal entries in my head in the past week. I even began writing a story — but my fear has progressed to the point that I won’t do it. Simply, will not. It’s as if my body becomes paralyzed at my every attempt. I wish I knew why the sudden unrest hit me, why restlessness invaded me like a parasite, sucking away at everything I love about life and especially myself. This is miserable and I am miserable because of it. I’m beginning to lose control too= I’m crying and obviously looking off, and as Andrew likes to point out oh-so-often now, have a closed stance. Gosh- this journal is going to be so sparse and depressing if someone ever tries to read it.
I’m giving up now. I sound like shit and I don’t want to hae to deal with it anymore.
