Uncertainty
I don’t know that I can do this. We just watched a video that featured five first year teachers and portrayed their struggles and triumphs in the classroom. I am not sure that I can teach. I am not worried that I would not have enough dedication to the job, or that I would not care for my kids – quite the opposite in fact: I am not sure I would be able to handle the heart break of becoming too involved, too attached, or putting my all into the job and a student — and failing. I’m afraid it would break my heart and I don’t know that I would be able to cope with that, every year of my life. My other fear is that by the time that I actually get my own classroom I will have become too jaded, too cynical to allow myself to open up. I don’t want to be a cold teacher. I don’t want to be a bad teacher either. I worry that no matter how much I study, no matter how good the words that leave my mouth sound in my education classess– that on the first day of class in my own classroom I will choke. I will forget everything I’ve learned, all the theory I’ve studied. Because nothing can really prepare you for the experience of actually teaching. On top of all of this, I’m not certain I could put up with the bloody beaureacracy of education. I don’t know that I could put up with BS from the school board, or the district, or the government policy. None of these lawmakers would know my students, none of them would understand my personal investment and I don’t know that I could stand by and watch my kids get shit on by politics and greed.
